You Make Me Happy When Skies are Gray

Ever since the kids were tiny little babies, whenever they were upset, sick, restless at night, hurt, sad, scared of the monster under the bed, you name it, there has always been one thing that is able to calm them almost instantly.

Josh scoops them up, talks them through whatever they are feeling, and then he sings "You Are My Sunshine" to them until the tears are gone and there is peace in their eyes. Often times they even join in towards the end, or ask to sing it again so that they can sing too. That and some chats with Jesus, and they fall right back to sleep, wipe away the tears, or get back on their bikes ready and willing to fall again if that's what it takes to learn.

It's been a hard week, and I think the kids could sense it. Right before bed last night, they both came running into my office and asked me if I could learn "The Sunshine Song" on my guitar so we could go sing it to daddy.

After about 5 minutes, they came back in, both with their toy guitars in hand, and we went to find daddy. They strummed their guitars along with me and sang with such big smiles on their faces.

And like magic, we laughed and danced and everything felt a little lighter.

To my babies,

YOU are our sunshine. You make us so happy, even when skies seem gray. I hope one day you come to know just how much we love you. How loved you are by Jesus. And the joy that you bring to those around you. My sunshines. My only sunshines.

Health Update

You guys remember that long long LONG post a couple months back about my health and where I'm at in life recently?

Well, just like I shared the tough stuff, I'm here right now to share something awesome!

After over a year of feeling like junk 90% of the time, after 5 doctors and so many tests, after many sleepless anxiety filled nights, I finally found a doctor who is listening to me.

I walked into the exam room fully prepared to have to put up a fight like I have many times before. Ready to give it my all and have him dismiss me, like the rest. But instead, I start to speak, and he looks in my eyes and says, "Why don't you start from the very beginning?"

I was a little bit caught off guard. "Are you sure? It's a really long story." He leaned back in his chair and said, "I have time."

It took everything in me not to start crying in that moment. If you know me, you know I'm not a crier. It takes a lot to get me going. But to have someone willing to listen and not just look at my labs and send me out the door, this was HUGE.

So I tell him my whole story. The journey of all the testing and so many doctors who I left because I didn't feel heard or understood. I tell him about my exhaustion, my weight gain, my emotions, my infertility, all the specialists I've seen, everything. And I say, "But every doctor I have seen just tells me that my levels are all normal. But I know myself, I know my body, I know I'm not healthy."

He types some stuff on his laptop and then closes it and says, "Samantha, I am so sorry you've slipped through the cracks in our medical system. Unfortunately many of us doctors, sometimes myself included, are quick to treat what the paperwork says instead of the patient themselves. Instead of just sending you to another specialist, will you let me help you get healthy and feel good again? Because it sounds like you've had enough of this."

Cue the tears. All the tears. A year and a half of frustration and confusion unloaded in that exam room. Poor guy. He had no idea what he was walking into.

After I composed myself, he orders some new bloodwork, the nurse comes in and draws it, and tells me that in 5 days or so we will have a plan.

You guys. It took 30 minutes. A 30 minute conversation and one SPECIFIC blood test to confirm what I had suspected for a while, but that no doctor would be willing to agree on.

I walked out of that exam room, got in my car, and just sat there for 10 minutes completely overwhelmed. Thanking God for that doctor. Thanking God for a sweet client/friend who reached out to me and told me to fight for my health. Shocked that it took so long to get to that point, but thankful that I got someone to pay attention before my illness progressed into something worse.

I got the call yesterday from my doctor's office confirming my own suspicion as well as the doctor's. He sent some new meds to my pharmacy and gave me a list of foods to avoid. And just like that, there is hope again. Not to say that my life was hopeless before this point. I love my life and have so much to be thankful for on a daily basis. But waking up every morning and having to psych yourself out just to get out of bed, not exactly fun.

I had gotten to the point where I was starting to accept this as my new reality. That I'd live at 50% for the rest of my life and just learn to adapt. And then a phone call, and hope.

Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism. Aka, my body is attacking my thyroid, causing all the symptoms of Hypothyroidism, as well as all of the issues that come with autoimmune disease.

So what happens now? Not much changes for the time being. I'm on a higher dosage of medicine that should help me start to feel more like myself again as my body starts to regulate. I get seen every 6-8 weeks to make sure that my dosage is sufficient, I cut out a bunch of foods that aren't good for people with autoimmune diseases, and I start to feel better. Maybe even get pregnant!

I am so thankful for the Lord's protection in my life. Even though the last year has been SO hard, things could have gotten a lot worse. Often time people who suffer from Hashimoto's aren't properly diagnosed until their immune system implodes and leaves them with a host of other autoimmune diseases. I am just so grateful that I finally have a doctor who is working hard and quickly to make sure that doesn't happen.

So anyway. There's a quick (well, sort of) update on how things are going over here! It'll likely take a while for these new meds to really kick in, and there's still a bit of a journey ahead, but there's so much hope now. And right now, that's more than enough!

Spring Break 2018

Anyone else's kiddos on Spring Break? Any other work-from-home parents struggling this week?

Lol I always tell myself that I'm going to take the week BEFORE Spring Break off every year so that I don't have any editing or extra work to do the week of so I don't have to try to juggle keeping the kids entertained while trying to pump out a bunch of sessions.

And then I forget. Every year.

It's a hard balance. Trying to get all of my editing and emailing done while also trying to be present for them. We don't usually do anything huge for Spring Break, but I also don't want to take advantage of the gift that it is to be home with my babies. So I try to sneak in some fun stuff here and there. So Monday we took a trip to the Science Center, and today I think I am going to take them location scouting with me once they wake up from naps and call it "exploring."

Hopefully they buy it and don't just fight in the backseat the entire time.

Hope you're having a fantastic week friends!

Learning to Create for Me

As my business has grown and I've gotten more busy, it's been difficult for me to carve out time to capture my own kids. I would start to feel guilty when I'd have endless files full of clients' children, and hadn't picked up my camera at home in weeks.

Then it hit me one day. I didn't need to set up some sort of special scenario every time I wanted to take pictures of my kids. I first picked up my camera to capture their childhood. And childhood doesn't just live in the special outfits and the grand locations. Infact it really doesn't even happen there at all.

It's the every day, day to day that matters most. The little moments that I know I'm going to forget all too quickly. So I began a journey over the last year to really up my photography game at home. It's part of the reason that I started this blog. To have a space to share all of the big and little things that I create with my children and everything in between.

And now picking up my camera at home is like a breath of fresh air. It's not something I feel guilty about when I don't do it enough or something that causes stress to any of us. It's fun. It brings me peace. It helps me learn. And some days, it's exactly what I need.

When I find myself knee deep in client work (which I love, don't get me wrong) and struggling to continue staring at a screen for another 2 hours, I pick up my camera and follow my kids into their world to escape for a while.

And what we create, no matter how simple or silly, always makes my heart sing.

Notes for my Girl

I don’t get you. Especially recently. The way you think. The moments you act out. Your daddy says it’s because you’re 6 and you’re still learning life. He gets you. He always has.

And I think it’s because you are me. And all the things that rub me wrong are the things in my own heart that could use some work. Like your impatience. That’s me. Your need for perfection and the total meltdown that happens if you don’t achieve it. Yep, me too. The way you ask for every detail of a story or event, and how you get really frustrated when people aren’t specific. Sorry kid, that’s me too.

It’s amazing how children are such a bright reflection of the things we need to work on. I remember before having you and your brother, I was afraid, and even unsure if I wanted kids. Mostly because I knew how screwed up I was and how I desperately didn’t want to pass along my junk to my kids. But I’ve learned some things. And even though I still fail (often), there has also been growth.

My hope, my prayer, is that we can take these rough traits and smooth the edges in you. That I can learn to take my time. To embrace each moment. To let life flow without a pressing agenda. And that you’ll see that. And you’ll follow.

That I’ll continue to learn grace for myself, and gentleness. That perfection to me, would be peace in a situation, rather than what the world would define as perfect. And that you’ll see that in me too, and maybe be even better at it than me someday.

Years from now, I don’t want you to be worried of how your children will mirror you, but proud of how patient they are, how brave they love, the grace they give, and how they bring such peace to those around them. As many have said, I want my ceiling to be your floor. I want my weaknesses to be your greatest strengths.

Notes for my Boy

Oh my sweet, sweet boy. My heart aches knowing that someday you’ll look at another woman with those kind and gentle eyes.

But I’m also so excited for whoever she will be. Because every girl deserves to feel the peace and joy that live in your eyes. You’re going to be a catch, just like your daddy. You already love with your whole heart, without limits, without fear.

Whoever she is, she’s a lucky lady. And I just pray that she loves you more than I ever dreamed. That she nurtures that peace and that joy. And that she completes you the same way you’ve completed us.

Daddy Daughter Dance

We spent the entire day together. We went to multiple stores looking for the perfect dress. And she was determined to find some "amazing high heels."

We found the dress and some hair clips to match, then headed to the shoe store. She laid eyes on a pair of little pink heels and she gasped. Tossed off her boots and slipped on her dream shoes. Then she took a few steps. Her excitement turned to confusion. "These aren't very comfortable... How do people dance in these?"

Cue my sigh of relief. Don't get me wrong, I don't think there is anything wrong with heels, but I've literally worn them for a total of MAYBE 5 hours the entirety of my life.

I got married in Chuck Taylors. So... you do the math.

So we came up with a new plan: find the shiniest, most sparkly pair of sneakers that they had. She tried them on, and I knew they were the ones. "I think I'll be able to dance forever in these."

As we were about to head home to start getting ready, she said in such a sweet voice, "Mommy, I know YOU don't really like makeup, but would it be okay, just this once, if I wore some lipstick?" So back to Target we went, because big shocker, I don't own a single tube.

She picked, "So Berry Pink." How I produced such a girly little girl, I'll never know. But I love her excitement.

When we got home, she tried to nap, but was too excited to really settle. So as soon as 4:00 hit, she hopped in the shower, put on her dress, wrestled on her new shoes, and insisted on applying her lipstick all on her own.

Daddy rang the doorbell and took her to dinner. Last I heard, they were dancing the night away.

I love that man. I love that girl. And I love how they love each other.

Be a Man

The world will try to define your manhood.

They will tell you that a men don't cry. That men are meant to be tough and rugged. That you are supposed to be good at sports. That your pride is attractive. That you have certain rights, simply because you are a man. That you don't have to apologize for your behavior. They will try to excuse poor choices.

Your daddy is one of the greatest men that I have ever met. He cries at the sad part in movies. His hands are gentle and his words are kind. He will always put himself last and lifts up those around him, leaving his own successes at the door and joyfully celebrating the success of those around him.

He never hesitates to tell others of my accomplishments, even when I pretend that they aren't a big deal. He is the first to apologize, even when he isn't wrong. In moments of weakness, when he makes mistakes or his mouth gets ahead of his heart, he takes ownership.

He asks for help when he knows he is in over his head. He is a good friend. He loves you and your sister deeply and gets excited for the chance to tell others about you. He'd shout his love for me from the rooftops if I'd let him. He takes care of us, even when it requires sacrifice.

You're one lucky little boy, to have the daddy that you do. He is a good man. A great man. And one day my son, you will be too.

Notes for my Girl

I danced around the living room of our tiny apartment. I didn’t know how badly I wanted you until those two pink lines showed up.

You brought the joy to the surface. Joy I had buried deep inside after losing your older brother or sister just a couple months before. So I danced. And I laughed. And I thanked Jesus for your life.

I didn’t even know you and I loved you.

I hadn’t seen your nose scrunch when you smile. I hadn’t seen the way your hair glows in the sunlight. I hadn’t fought you to brush your teeth. Didn't know your favorite color would be "basically the whole rainbow." Or that your favorite animal would be a toss up between an ostrich and a unicorn. I hadn’t watched you shed tears over which direction the number 3 was really supposed to face while doing your homework. Hadn’t heard your belly laugh. Never stared into your brown eyes.

I hope you feel it. I pray you feel my love grow for you every single day. With every silly dance and tickle fight. In the moments I raise my voice when trying to protect you. In the way I smile at you every morning I drop you off at school. In the big moments and our seemingly mundane day to day

You, sweet girl, have brought a kind of joy to my life that I used to only dream of. I know you and I love you. And I’m so thankful that I get to spend the rest of my days getting to know you more and more.

Hidden Treasure

A few weeks ago, while digging through some old folders I found this shot of my babies. It was in an unedited folder.

It’s a little blurry, since I was still figuring out my camera back then. Which is probably why I didn’t bother editing it. But as soon as I laid eyes on it, my heart skipped a beat.

This might be one of my favorite pictures ever. Because even though my skills might not have been there, my heart was. Back when I was learning photography for them. Back when my deepest desire was simply to capture them as they grew. When Raegan still had a baby face and Harvey’s hair was blonde.

Blankets and Babies

False advertising. No actual babies here. Just my babies. Inside of blankets. Because I saw someone do it on Instagram, then I saw someone else, and then another person, and I figured I'd give it a shot because I love how the light peeks through the holes.

I have no doubts that I looked mighty silly in my front yard, under a blanket with each child, squawking directions.

Totally worth it though.

Their Favorite Place

Growing up as an only child, all of this sibling stuff is basically totally new to me. I didn't have someone at home who constantly wanted to play with my toys. I didn't have to compromise on a TV show that everyone would enjoy. There was no rock, paper, scissors to decide who got the last juice box in the fridge.

I know lots of only children aren't a huge fan of when people who grow up with siblings peg them as "spoiled," but I'm not ashamed to admit it. I know I was spoiled. I know I was lucky to get all the time an attention to myself. And I know my parents would have really liked for me to have a sibling, but it just never ended up working out.

SO, when my kiddos argue or fight, sometimes it's a struggle for me to figure out how to resolve the situation in a way that leaves both kids feeling heard and not short changed. I'm not saying that only children don't know how to deal with stuff like this, I'm just saying that having not grown up around it, it's not something that comes as naturally to me as it does to my husband. Often times I let them work it out on their own and more often than not, everyone says sorry and they move on. There's lots of "I'm sorry for....." and "Thank you. I forgive you." As well as plenty of opportunities to explain feelings and listen when others are speaking their mind.

Then some days, some days it doesn't matter how many time-outs or apologies are given. No amount of teaching or privileges getting taken away will fix it.

But for SOME reason, when I toss these two in the bathtub, they are immediately best friends again. They play happily. They share without question. They compromise. They even encourage each other and ask about their days. It's been this way since the beginning. Even when Raegan was a toddler and Harvey was a tiny baby. They'd both scream at me all day for one reason or another and I'd get them both into the bath and it was nothing but splashing and giggles.

So I knew I wanted to capture this time before they got too old. And truth be told, I know this time is quickly coming to an end. But hey, at least I'll have these memories, right?

Notes for my Boy

Before you were born, people kept telling me that my love for you would be different than my love for your sister. They’d say I’d love both the same amount, but differently. I thought, “Well yeah, obviously.” But I didn’t get it. I was having a hard enough time wrapping my brain around giving enough love to two kids, I couldn’t think about how my love for you would be different.

And then you were born. I’m sure it helped that you were a happy, easy baby (unlike your sister who screamed through the first 5 months of her life, poor thing). But there was something else too. Something that to this day, I still can’t put into words.

I always used to tell your daddy, “I just want him to stay THIS age, forever. Because right now, he fits so perfectly in my arms. His hugs are like completing a puzzle.” But I said that at 6 months, and 9 months, and 1 year, and 2 years, and here you are, creeping your way towards 4 years old, and somehow. By some little boy magic, you still fit. Perfectly.

You are everything I ever hoped and dreamed when I used to imagine what a son would be. Always covered in dirt, a little smelly, in love with all the usual little boy things, tender, kind, a defender, a cuddler.

I sure don’t know what I did to deserve you. But boy oh boy, I am so glad you’re mine.

Rainy Days

Rainy days are few and far between here in AZ. Every time I got to Target, I see these super cute little fireman looking rain boots. And every time (I'm not exaggerating), I put them in my cart and spend the rest of the shopping trip trying to convince myself that Harvey needs them. I do the same when they have pink ones in Raegan's size.

But every time, I put them back. Because 2 days of rain in the last 4 months, I just cannot justify spending $20 on shoes they will use for wet weather and will likely grow out of before the next time it rains.

But, I have these fun clear bubble umbrellas on hand for if/when I ever had a client who is willing to brave a rainy day. I have literally used them ONCE before. So I figured it would be fun to let the kids play with them for a little bit.

After about 5 minutes, Raegan decided she was too cold and ran back inside. But Harvey, shirtless as usual, played until he couldn't stand the shivers anymore.

Just Because

Nothing special to say. Nothing deep or profound today. Just wanted to capture my kids in their element. Playing in the backyard for as long as they're able before the sun decides to "go to bed for the day" as Harvey would say.

I sure do love these two.

Man's Best Friend

Honesty hour.

I don't love animals. I know I should. I know there are a variety of them that are cute and cuddly and fuzzy and so on and so forth. But I just don't care for them.

Actually, let me rephrase. I don't so much mind the concept of a pet, I just don't love the mess that they constantly cause.

The fur on the furniture. And floor. And beds. And even somehow sometimes in my mouth. The muddy paw prints. The dribbles of water all over my house. If there were an animal that didn't require constant clean up, then maybe someday I could say I love animals.

I will say this though, my kids adore our pets. We have 2 dogs and a cat. And a fish if that counts. We got Mandy when Raegan was still very little, and they basically have grown up together. If you ask her, she'll tell you that Mandy is her dog, and only her dog. Both quiet and contemplative, a little skittish, and they love attention, only when they ask for it though. They get each other. Mandy mostly stays out of my way. She really is a sweet dog, minus the excessive shedding.

And then there is Bell. She stinks, is rambunctious and loudy, and would do nothing but eat 24/7 if given the opportunity. She thinks everyone is her best friend, and will tuck herself under your limbs and force you to cuddle with her. Sound like anyone else we know? Needless to say, her and Harvey are two peas in a pod.

Because of You

She’ll never have to look elsewhere for the love that only a daddy can provide.

She trusts you. She believes you.

Thank you for being you.

For choosing Jesus and letting Him change you. For always putting us first. For encouraging me to be the woman you always knew I could be, but loving me in the moments where my hurts had me frozen.

You’re more than I ever expected. More than I ever thought I deserved. The stuff of dreams. I love you.

Confession

Am I the only mom who really doesn't love doing crafts with their kids?

I just don't love the mess. Actually, more like, I don't love the person I am when trying to contain the mess. I'm all about them being creative and spending time expressing themselves on paper. But I know myself, and I know I have a hard time not getting upset when the paint hits the floor or the glitter gets dumped on the dog, or the tiny dab of glue I suggested becomes a giant glob that is slowly threatening to reach beyond the edges of the paper and make its way onto my kitchen table. And so on and so for.

I used to get all jealous and guilty when I'd see some of my amazing mom friends doing Pinterest products with their kiddos, because mine just don't very often. 

But every now and then, usually in the summer when I'm trying desperately to keep them entertained indoors, we bust out our very small art supply and I grit my teeth and let whatever is going to happen, happen.

And they love it. And I survive. And I walk away realizing how silly it is for me to not let them do it more often.

Fall 2017 + New Years 2018

Every year for Fall and for New Years I take my kids out to capture a few more staged photos. I mean, it's still total chaos and I still capture all the random moments. I don't love overly posed stuff, as you've hopefully figured out by now.

But I still try every year to plan out a few pictures, complete with new outfits and such, and I try to take them at the same time every year. In my home pictures of the kids, it's sometimes hard to see how they grow in the day to day stuff. But these pictures, they are almost like milestone pictures so I have something to compare every year.

So anyway, here's last Fall's pictures as well as New Year's pictures for 2018! A little mixed up, but I'm trying to play catch up over the last 6 months! 

Playing With Light

One of my favorite things to do with Harvey while Raegan is at school is to discover new and interesting light. Ever since I picked up my camera for the first time, I've started to view light differently. Like, my brain takes a mental note of the light around me in every situation, even when I have no plans to take pictures and my camera is far from my reach.

I could go deep and talk about how there is always light, even in the darkest places. And how sometimes it just takes a shift in perspective. BUT this post is really just about fun light. Warm early morning light just as it peeks into the windows, the last little bits of afternoon light, funky window light, smokey light, shadow fun and a few in between. I'm so thankful that he's such a willing little subject!

Here's some of our (yes, Harvey helped pick these) favorites from our experiments over the last few months.